One inch

Alone in Kyoto (let the sea carry you away)

Because you are dawn and I am night, I choose dawn and you chose night

Of everything that makes me who I am, my daydreams take up a lot of space. Every single day dream I've had in my life, every little story I imagine without realizing it, when I'm walking down the street, when I'm sitting in class watching the clouds. How they somehow always seem to include rain, or sea (her presence in my life I guess), and they always include this big, wolf-like dog that is my other half, the one that's not a bird. All the cliched situations, all the images created by wonderful books and movies and music, all the adventures I've lived in my mind, including myself in stories to live a thousand lives in one.

Clouds. Everyone sees this in me every day but no one really notices how truly important they are. Every morning what I first do is look up, to where the birds are and there are these days where they are so breathtakingly beautiful I wish I could just die, because the feeling they create in me, it hurts in my chest, like I'm trying to take them all in at once and there's not enough space. I could not live without clouds.

There are many silly fears I've had through my life that still cling to me when I remember them, but of all of them, my greatest one is simple: her death. Everything turns gray and sometimes, I may imagine what life would be without my father or mother and I would learn to live with it, even through the pain, but her...I would just kill myself, I think. I wouldn't know how to live without her. The simple thought makes me so sick...if I had a wish I always say I would love to be able to transform into any animal but really, what I would really like would be to die at the exact same second as her, sorrounded by green in our place in the world, with elegies and ending violins. I think I would be able to overcome my own selfishness and give up my wings for that.

I walways try to make the people around me smile and be happy but really, I do it for myself, I sometimes try to be one of those people you see in mangas or books, those warm-hearted girls with no malice in them that make everyone smile just because who they are. I know I am not like this and I hate myself sometimes for bth trying to be like it and not liking myself for it.

This is the only thing that maybe can be called the true me, because it is the only thing I will regret saying. That is... a dream. One night I had a dream where I was with Syaoran ( a boy from a manga series) and I was feeling bad because this girl (the boy's love) was just being so cruel to me. She left and Syaoran reached out his hand, touching my shoulder gently and I flinched from him, immediately regreting it. His face was the saddest thing I've ever seen, even if it was just a dream. So I hugged him and he hugged me back and then this feeling...it is strange, to feel something so raw in a dream when in real life it is impossible, but it was this inmense feeling of pure love, it made me so happy, I just can't begin to explain it, you would have to feel as I felt then. It was something so big and pure and raw that I thought my chest was going to explode. After that I was in this strange dark place with a red floor and glass walls with a man. I knew this man had something in him I needed and he wanted to kill me, so I mercilessly attacked him, stabbing him with a knife in the eye, then cutting his throat but he wouldn't die and he kept screaming at me, so I opened his stomach, threw my hand in and retrieved this shard of a jewel, which was what I needed. When I think of it it was truly horrible but I really didn't care in the dream. The man kept screaming at me and I ran out of the place, landing outisde in a shiny, sunny day. Syaoran was there and some other people and he rushed by my side, he didn't say anything but I didn't care. Iwas exhausted and covered in blood and I had just killed a man and I didn't care because I was so happy of seeing him again that nothing else would have made me more happy, the feeling invading my senses again, filling me up and making me whole, making me who I am.